I’m Voting For The Democrat In November Because I’m Not A Human Tire Fire (Updated)

This is for anybody wasting time online blathering about how Hillary and Trump are the same; how if Hillary gets the nomination, they won’t vote at all; or how they’re super-stoked to vote for a third party candidate because THEY HAVE PRINCIPLES, GODDAMMIT. UPDATE AUGUST 2016: I wrote this essay in May 2016.